On the Sixth Day, God Created Monsters. And It Was Good.

On The Sixth Day, God Created Monsters. And It Was Good.





My alarm went off some time around 7:00 am. It really wasn't necessary since sleeping was nothing but a memory from a different time.

Whatever the case, the alarm did alert me that at some point in the near future I would have to consort with other humans. At this point, the idea was quite daunting.

It was cold enough to be on its way, but even so, there was no way I was stripping down to bathe in a sink, Hell having frozen over or not. 

Being a dancer has taught me a lot of things. Much like a Federal Air Marshal has the ability to fire a gun from any position, a dancer, even a former one, has the ability to completely change clothes from any position. Bathe too, including but not limited to curled under the blankets in bed. 

On the bathing issue. I had the foresight to realize that at some point during this journey, this very happenstance might rear its ugly head. So I came armed. Wipes to the rescue! I made use of these things:

Dum duh duh Du,m!!!

They're big. They're wet. And they smell like horse liniment, so you know it's working. After the first pass with these, I went back with a more pleasant scented Playtex variety. Not as large, not as wet but with a soft bubble gum fragrance that's much more amenable to people than the equine variety.  For my hair I chose a Victoria's Secret Hair Reviver, which I don't think they make anymore.

It was at this point that I had a terrible epiphany. I had no Febreze. I looked all over England and found no Febreze. There was something in the back of my mind when I was packing to bring some too. Okay, yes, it has chemicals, and yes the UK is a lot more strident with their chemical laws than are we, but still Febreze is a necessity! At least for my neurotic ass. So what to do? I took all of those frazzling wipes and wiped off all of my clothes. Not the perfect situation, but it was something. 

How can a country consider themselves civilized without it?

Of course the cold didn't bother Edie Baby at all. She did enjoy the use of wipes though.

Promptly at 8:00, the porter knocked on the door and handed me a brown paper bag filled with Tazo tea (blah) and orange juice. She told us we were right on time for arrival. Goodie!

Blech

We packed our bags yet again. This was a chore for me since not only did I have to stuff my stuff in, but I was also given some of mom's items for easy access - for her.  Because my spinner bag is soft, it stretches. I was able to Tetris everything in and still manage to get my hair in pig tails and paint my face before arrival.

Get in there!

We arrived in Inverness around 9:15 am. This is what we saw:

Where's the station?

The air was biting with a faint scent of brine. The sea gulls squawked unseen in the air above. Everywhere there was a tentative silence broken only by the scre scre scre sound of the spinner wheels against the asphalt.

Oh yes, it was quite the morning for noir. We couldn't see the station so we followed the direction everyone else was in. I was happy to see that there were several doggies who had made the voyage with us. According to the porter, it costs an extra 200 pound for the beasties to go with. The reason was because a special service had to come out and clean the berths. I suppose that's more or less fair. 

Inverness Train Station is brilliant. Brilliant I tell you! We walked into the station looking for a place to stow our bags. Right there was the Left Luggage area. For five pound, you can stick as much stuff as you want into a big ol' locker. Much more reasonable than the nine pound per bag Euston Station wanted. 

Brilliance

We stuffed our crap into a locker and looked around. NOLA, LA, NY and all other metro areas in the US take note: If you exit the Inverness train station one way, you run into the Bus Station. If you exit it the other way, you run into a shopping mall. A shopping mall! Attached to the train and bus stations. What more could a girl want?

We knew we had to catch a bus for the tour later that afternoon, and the mall wasn't open yet anyway, so we walked around the back and through the tiny parking lot to the bus station.

How cute is this little place? Inside it has an information window, adverts for castle and loch tours and a cafe. Outside it has no more than 5 bus terminals. So cute. It also sits across from the Inverness Library. 

Public Library. Across from Bus Station.

We had some time to kill so after Edie Baby inquired about the afternoon tour, we had a nice sit down at the cafe. I purchased a hot tea for me, one for mom and a diet coke. I also got a chikki pie. Being the dumbass that I am, I actually had to ask what it was. What was it? Delicious that's what! It was a chicken pot pie in a pasty format without veggies. So just chicken breast and white sauce. Oh so good.

Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot pie!

Mom had used the facilities in the train station, which she reported cost 20p, were clean and the male attendant very nice. It was my turn to use the facilities here. It cost 30p here, and I could not for the life of me figure out how to work the turn style. I must have spent at least 10 minutes putting coins in and watching them spill out. A couple of times the thing beeped at me. Still, I persevered! I fought with this thing for a very long time. Finally some guy came in and I watched him put the money in and push a button. I'm an idiot.

 

I returned to the table relieved of waste and self esteem. We set out back through the train station to the mall. 

Very popular this season.

It was cold. I had no hat. I wanted one. I had a mission. I didn't want to settle for just any hat. Or the odd owl ones that are in fashion over there right now. No idea what that's about. I wanted a billed beanie hat. I had one a while ago which I loved and somehow vanished from existence. 

Ah well. Challenge made! Challenge excepted!

HAT!

We strolled through the mall stopping at every store that had an accessories section. No luck. Mom saw some Inverness Ice Cream and wanted to try it. I'm not an ice cream person myself, not to mention that it was COLD, so I deposited her in the food court and went looking on my own.

Inverness from Marks and Sparks in the mall

Mom wasn't pleased with the ice cream. I didn't try it so I can't report on it. Sorry. I did find a hat though.

We continued through the stores and Momster found a shop that had suitable clothing for her. I stood sentry over the stuff while she tried on a bunch of things. It took a little bit of encouragement, but she got a nice blouse and a lighter jacket. She immediately wore the jacket claiming that her coat was too heavy. I pulled my hat over my ears.

We'd killed a lot of time, so we walked back through the train station to the bus station to wait for the tour. We had a few minutes, so back into the cafe for more DC and a scone.

Scone be tasty!

The scone had some raisins in it. It was satisfying in all it's processed flour glory. By this time, I was having dreams of colonics when I returned states side. But what can I say? A warm scone is a thing of beauty.

After about a billion years, it was time for the Loch Ness Tour! Yay! 

I got mom onto the bus and we got into the first seats in the front. The tour guide was a middle aged woman very knowledgeable and very in love with Inverness and the Loch. It's a nice thing to see. We learned all sorts of stuff about Scotland, Inverness, Nessie... all sorts of stuff. Of course I can't remember any of it.  I saw a furry cow. 

moo

We were dropped off at a small dock and climbed aboard a cute little boat to take a ride through the Loch Ness to Erquart Castle. That's Erquart, pronounced Irk-it, as opposed to Er-Quart like in NOLA.

Boat to go up the Loch

Taking the tour guide's advice, while onboard I tried the Highland Special, which is hot chocolate and whisky. Not only was it fabulously tasty - sounds gross, but trust me - it's supposed to make you see Nessie.

Loch Ness

More Loch Ness

Erquart Castle seen from Loch Ness

A Trebuchet getting Medieval on your ass.

What the Castle brags to be

How the Castle used to look

We had a few minutes before we were to meet back at the bus, so we checked out some local delicacies. Ginger Beer and Rose Lemonade. And yes, they tasted exactly as you'd think.

Random beverages

As we climbed back on the bus, one little girl decided my 'mobility impaired' mother wasn't allowed to have the front seat. I was going to rip her face off and bitch slap her mother for raising such an inconsiderate spawn of Satan, but mom took it graciously and hobbled to the back of the bus. I followed and sat on the right side leaning against the window.

The tour guide brought us back up over the Loch and into Inverness. While she was driving, I looked down and saw this:

Check out the bottom left.

That's right friends... I, me, Loren... actually got my own picture of the real Loch Ness Monster! Believe it, don't believe it. I took it, I know what I saw. And did I exclaim 'Look! It's the monster!'? Nope... I took the pic and kept my mouth shut. The stuck up little bitch never even knew. What's the moral here? Don't be a little @#$%#@~ when elders who are less ambulatory than you are around or the mean lady in the back of the bus won't point out the monster. That, and don't raise little bitches. Or your husband will leave you and you'll turn into an old crone and die.

Nessie Statue in Inverness

IT'S NESSIE!!!

We were dropped off in Inverness where we walked around a little while then decided on dinner. What to eat while in Scotland? Pizza of course! We found this cute little pizza place and ordered a basil pizza. I'd make a terrible food critic because I usually like everything. This was no exception. Pizza is hard to screw up anyway, but it was fresh and crunchy. Even Edie Baby liked it.

Unicorn statue in Inverness. They like the fantastic there.

After dinner, we had the joy of waiting in the train station until we could board. No pubs open in this station... oh no. We had to wait in a waiting room. Not only that but it was full of children. Children who were bad, and nasty, and flatulent. I don't know why!!!

And they wouldn't shut up. Ever. And where do you think they were in the train? In MY car. All of them! There must have been about six dozen in one family. How the hell they managed to get all those damn kids in a sleeper car is beyond me. Why? Is more the question I want to know. But I really don't care.

We put our stuff down and hit up the dining car again. Same damn train, same damn crew. This time I ordered my new favorite drink while my phone charged. Yeah, I might be cold, yeah, I might smell bad, yeah I might be surrounded by the minions of the devil. But I saw Nessie, And that makes everything better.

In yo' face biotches!

This was the end of day the sixth.