This Doesn't Happen In Real Life: 2020

Thumbs Up! It's Thursday!

After a relatively frigid night, (after all, what else would it be with the momster?) We awoke to a lovely if a bit of a gray day.

This was it! This was the day that most educated Americans (or

fans of Ancient Aliens) dream about. The day I get to see

STONEHENGE!!!!

But first: Breakfast!

Sarum College has a pretty strong B and B breakfast game.

It wasn't hard to eat my fill. And I did it willingly. Then, off to the bus to Stonehenge!

We could have been driving for hours, or mere minutes. I don't know, because I fell asleep again. I'm sure not consuming caffeine, having jet lag, and spending fitful nights with Ediebaby don't help, but I should probably get that looked at.

Whatever the case, when we pulled up at the welcome center, we were there! Yay!

For all of my life I heard about the majesty and mystery of Stonehenge. The biggest and best preserved of all of the henges on the British Isles. The place where Druids would gather (they think) to do all sorts of stuff. Where there is a portal to the under world, where there are ley lines and aliens and...

What? This is it? This is IT??? It wasn't majestic. It was mysterious. It wasn't even big. The thing could fit onto a basketball court. How does that work?

I felt betrayed. I felt lied to. I felt... underwhelmed. The media, those lying bastards, had me believing this thing would take my breath away, would have me agape with awe. Well I was, to be honest, but not in the way they wanted. Not in the way I wanted either. Those lying rat bastards!

They did say, however, that they believe that there is a whole under ground part to this monument. One with tunnels and under ground chambers that goes on for miles. Now that would be something to see. Plus, there were sheep, so the day wasn't all that disappointing. And, AND, I had a Stonehenge Ale, which was more in line with the ginger as opposed to the beer variety.

After our allotted few hours on the countryside being dazzled by cultural icons and local fauna, we were bussed back (yes I fell asleep again) to Salisbury to spend the rest of the evening on our own.

We did so. It wasn't all that exciting. Just back the way we came, then tried AGAIN to eat at the Haunch of Venison, again with no luck, so we grabbed a quick bite somewhere, and got a good look around the town again, then back to the castle keep lest we be banished for the night.

Busy day. Momster was tired. I had two naps, so I was good. So again, I didn't sleep. Alas, 'tis the story of my life on the road.

This is the end of this day.

Hump Day! Whoop Whoop!

Hump Day!

Wednesday promised to be an interesting day! While sketching out this venture, our plan was to leave our luggage in the hold at the Holiday Inn and take only a small bag up to Salisbury to spend two nights at Sarum College.

Sarum College has been around since the Middle Ages and is still one of the best places to study theology in the world. They also allow people to stay there as a Bed and Breakfast.

During the inception of this plan, I just happened to be browsing through a store and fell madly in love with a Dooney and Bourke weekender bag.

So beautiful! So well made! Such a fantastic price! I couldn't resist. After all, a bag like this will last a lifetime.

And really, how much stuff do you need for 2 nights in the country?

Turns out, a lot.

As I was packing my things in this stunningly beautiful, well made bag, I did not take into account that we will be in the UK in the late fall. That we will be in the country in the UK in the late fall, and I would be with my mother, in the country, in the UK in the late fall. Meaning? I needed to bring about 7 layers of EVERYTHING with me to keep warm. No, I did not take into account that this well made beautiful bag would end up being HEAVY. As in carrying around a stone statue heavy. As in anvil falling on Wiley Coyote heavy.

We grab a nice black cab from the hotel and get to the Waterloo train station.

I carried the bags throughout the station, holding them whilst the momster used the pay toilets and made another trip into a Boots to load up on even more Diet Coke. By this time, her bag already has 6 bottles. And of course, gummy bears.

I sat at this place and waited while momster did her shopping;

I lug the bags into a train seat and got settled. You might think that there would be great scenery and nice picturesque villages as one travels from the bowels of London to the green countryside of Salisbury. And you might be right. I have no idea. Not five minutes into the journey, the rocking of the train put me to sleep. I don't know why this happens, but it does. It happens when I'm in a car

and not driving also. Thankfully, it's mostly trains though.

I awoke as the train pulled into the station, jugged awake by the momster. We hopped into another taxi and hauled ourselves out at the Castle Close.

We checked in and got settled into a cute little ground floor room.

By this time, it was way past lunch so we thought it would be best to go out and explore the town.

We tried three times to dine here:

It never worked out, and to be quite honest, it was probably for the best since Ediebaby wouldn't like anything on the menu.

We puttered around Salisbury for the rest of the day. I won't bore you with many tourist photos, but here's a taste of the area.

We trod around the area until the momster tired out. Then, as the nights come quickly at the end of the year, we had to scuttle it back to the College, because they close and lock the doors at a certain time. If you're caught outside of the doors, you're screwed.

So we buckled in for the night. It was cold. No surprise. Momster was hot. Also no surprise.

This is the end of the that day.

The Day Next

It's Tuesday in the UK. Birds are chirping, the sun is shining, all things are right with the world.

Huh... was it? Was it really? Let's review:

I just spent 10 hours trapped in a plane with the Haggis. I lumbered through UK Immigration carrying not one, but two bags. I pulled the suitcases from the conveyer belt and dragged them a billion miles through Heathrow.

Let's get an Uber!

Why? Why, would we do that? Taxi, here, look, there is a taxi. We always take a taxi. No... we ordered an Uber instead.

Ok, here's the thing... Heathrow is a maze. A serious one, and when you get a ride share instead of a taxi, you're in for a treat! You know those immersive escape rooms that are sort of still popular, where you experience something so frustrating and vile until you find out the secret and then you want to punch someone in the face? Yes? It's like that.

It took about 15 calls (thank you AT&T for your Passport- which is no longer available by the way), and going up and down

and up down

stairs,

elevators and escalators (and we know how THAT works out) to finally get to the dude who's SUV we're to be transported in.

The guy was mad at us for making him wait, because it was our fault that we had no idea whatsoever where he was. Never mind the stupid Uber app told us to go to the wrong place.

Fine! Fine. We get in the stupid SUV and start our journey
to our usual arrival stopping spot, the Holiday Inn in Bloomsbury.

Oh, and as an aside, after using said UBER app, my account was hacked and Uber LOCKED it without letting me know, leaving me, yes STRANDED when I needed a ride. No, I no longer use the vile service.

After getting settled and trying to find out favorite concierge Keith (he wasn't in that night), we take a well needed rest.

The evening comes around, and I used my interweb savvy to procure a nice tea for us at the Academy Hotel.

I was, of course familiar with this particular venue due to it's proximity to RADA.

It's a cute place and I've spent a good couple of weeks there subsequently, but I digress.

We have a lovely tea ordered. We were lead down stairs to the dining room and a nice setting was placed before us.

Nice, right?

I dig in.

"This looks good!"

"Meh."

"What?"

"I don't like tea."

"What? What????? Hold the phone! Back it up... You don't like TEA???? This kind of tea? The stuff with the finger sandwiches and pastries? The pastries you eat ALL of? The tea where you insist on having rum and diet coke instead of sparkling wine or champagne? WHAT?????"

"No."

"Um... since when?" Now, keep in mind, not only have we had a nice tea every time we've been in the UK, we've also partaken in some nice varieties stateside.

"I've never like it."

"What the...?????"

With my mouth still agape, we grabbed a real taxi (Thank God) and took the short trek back to the HI where we turned in for the night. Granted, I was still in a state of odd stupefaction. We spent the night in relative peace Peace being relative of course, because I had the maternal nocturnal sonance with which to contend.

This is the end of this day

Another Monday

As the plane was to depart later in the evening, the momster and I had a chance to get our hairs did before we were to head out by 1:00.

We arrived at the airport, and thankfully, since I was adamant that there would be no issues going through the TSA this time, we got through more or less unscathed.

We made out way up stairs of terminal 2 at LAX and bribed, I mean bought our way into the VA lounge. Honestly, I was surprised this was still an option since the merger with Delta had killed any charm VA had. Progress, right?

Once again, here is the VA lounge. Not too shabby!

Knowing that I would be consuming sparkling wine on the plane, I opted to have one or two of those while watching the planes run around.

Haggi ordered the burger with tomato flat bread. I'm pretty sure I ended up eating the flat bread.

I ordered the Pho. (That's Dis-GUS-tin! Exclaimed the momster). I also got the turkey breast, but that picture was ugly, so I won't include it here.

I also took the time to charge my precious Nexus 7. The best doggone tablet that has ever been made! (Sorry iPad, but it's true). Also take note of the snazzy black leather bag. More on that later.

We hung out in the lounge for our allotted 3 hours, getting pleasantly tipsy (me) and usually ornery (moms) then made our way onto the plane and got settled.

So, here we are... me against the window, momster on the aisle, sucking down the sparkling wine. Well I was, mom doesn't like it- so she demanded a rum and diet coke, she didn't get that until after lift off, but I digress.

So, here we are, me drinking two sparkline wines, momster whining about not having rum with diet coke when I look over to my left and...

Christ the Good Lord Almighty! A child in the plane. Near me. Again. Am I surprised? No, of course not. Why would I be? The miserable little buggers surround me on purpose. Best I can hope for is to pass out in a nice foggy haze.

You guessed it!

Not 10 minutes into the flight, it let lose. Why? Why? Why? Do people insist on bringing brats onto planes? WHY??????

So there I sit, trying to read my tablet through blurry vision while ignoring the wails of the spawn in the next row.

Oh goodie, dinner!

Not bad, considering.

Some type of cheese tortellini with red onions. I'm going to go ahead and say it was edible, but to be honest, I don't remember. I'm sure it was fine.

I dozed off an on throughout the flight. Granted I was jostled every time momster had to use the bathroom (every 20 mins) because I had to make sure her stuff was safe. Thankfully I didn't have to stand outside the bathroom and keep guard this time. Miracles never cease.

Eventually, after about 7 years, breakfast was served.

Full English. The first of many. I can handle that.

When you take a night flight, and breakfast is finally served, you know it's almost landing time. Of course by this time I'm exhausted, only being able to sleep in 20 minute increments and peppered with music provided by the shrieking hobgoblin. But, land we did. And safely.

I'll end this day here. More to come.